Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

Dishonest mechanic?

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.