The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
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Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.