The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
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I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
absolutely not
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum