the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
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I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?