Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party