the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
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5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
$3 #books
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.