the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
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you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously