the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
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*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?