Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

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I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

What legos do when we’re not looking.

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%