Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

🙅🏻

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.