The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
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Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”