The absolute effort that went into this omg
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Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.