The absolute effort that went into this omg
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For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I wish I were this cool 😂
Anime is real
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.