The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?