The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
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How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Do not levitate over flowers
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities