the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
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I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Customer is always right
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV