Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved