the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
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2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other