The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
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“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Just me?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person