Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean