The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Dune (2021)
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
DOOO EEEET
