The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off