Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.