Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

philosophical skeletons be like

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

Sponch

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

I don’t believe him.

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*