The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
anyone else like Italian cereal
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
this made my day 😂
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.