The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
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The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
The asteroid..
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
shazam but for random noises outside
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!