The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
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Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds