Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.