Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

The real reason evolution started..😂

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

shazam but for random noises outside

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god