Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

This is a whole mood;

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?