Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

Best table by far

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job