The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
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I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.