The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
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dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is