The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
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How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
F*** flowers for Valentine’s Day, buy me eggs.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too