Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!