The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Does beer think about me too?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers