Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

I really had high hopes for this year though

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?