The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won