@CatherineLMK

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

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@Jack_C44

Hello couchness my old friend
I’ve come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I’m breathing

@envydatropic

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

@ericallenhatch

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

@david8hughes

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

@CornOnTheGoblin

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

@Shock_Monster

I don’t gossip because:

1. It’s not my business.
2. I’m no better than anyone else.
3. And no one tells me any good juicy stuff 🙁

@rockymomax

[me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooOoOo
*pulls knife from hat*
A: ooOoOo
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
A: NNOOOOOO

@TheAlexNevil

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

@Dildotron

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now