The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.