The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
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I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.