The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
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Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.