The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
#ProTip
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!