The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
You Might Also Like
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Dead sexy!!
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.