The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
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2 years later
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Single worst piece of software ever invented
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.