@3sunzzz

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

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@pleatedjeans

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

@jake_likes_naps

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

@theshamingofjay

No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I’ll just stay on Twitter.

@retardedwriter

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

@Reverend_Scott

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

@jessokfine

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

@KateWhineHall

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

@karanbirtinna

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

@tonsmorecowbell

My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I’m peeing in the toilet every night.

@BubblesnBooze

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.