“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
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“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I’ll just stay on Twitter.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[hand reaches out]
“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I’m peeing in the toilet every night.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.