The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
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2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
choose your gary
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9