The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
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{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit