Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

Always

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.