Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

The Struggle

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

she has a point

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.