The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
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recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
see next tweet for some translations
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.