Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

My first son he is wonderful

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

#parenting

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.