Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meow

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

My dad is at it again

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

i hope my email finds you on fire

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol