Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

pain

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

Labreador

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

Single and childfree like Jesus

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.