The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward