The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
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No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.