The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
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Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face