Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

A sick whale is called an unwhale

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON