The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
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Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?