a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
The airline managed to lose the in-laws luggage, but not the in-laws. *sigh*
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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
😂 I’m dying over here
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake
2007 social media: wow connected with an old friend from high school
2017 social media: the cheese smoked gouda is linked to racism
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Interviewer: Vader says you aren’t the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that?
Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.