@LinajkReturns

The airline managed to lose the in-laws luggage, but not the in-laws. *sigh*

You Might Also Like

@JKNenagh

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

@Quartzjixler

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

@BenjaminJS

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

@ArfMeasures

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

@pan_duh

a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake

@AJslackie2

2007 social media: wow connected with an old friend from high school

2017 social media: the cheese smoked gouda is linked to racism

@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

@Humor_Fetish

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

@LosLos__

Interviewer: Vader says you aren’t the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that?

Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.