Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
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After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Tuesday
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.