the airport boldly asks “what if the worst sandwich you’d ever had was $16.95”

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Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.


[blind date]

“Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos.”

*huge sigh* LEGO. It’s called Lego.


Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?


After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.


wife [whispers] Josh
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again


I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.


Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.


So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!


How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use



Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.