The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
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When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit