Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

Honey I made you some hotdog water

that’s really how it is

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater