Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over