The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
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12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Forever 21… pounds overweight