@alyssalimp

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

You Might Also Like

@kibblesmith

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

@fro_vo

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

@markydoodoo

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

@beefman138

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

@skickwriter

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

@moose_chocolate

I’m a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I’m Usain Bolt.

@jwoodham

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

@omgthatspunny

Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.

@iLikeCatShirts

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!