Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can