@TheTweetOfGod

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

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@platinum2000

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

@DeanOkay

Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows

@MomofTeen

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

@Smartticisms

Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.

@JasonLastname

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

@Dawn_M_

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

@upsidedowntrash

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

@iMikosnyc

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

@drankturpentine

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*