The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
You Might Also Like
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now