The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

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*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*


Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows


My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.


Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.


First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.


Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.


her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?


This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.


magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*