The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
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TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
not for long
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.