The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
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*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose