The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
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when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur