The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
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Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow