The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
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For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old