The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too