The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
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Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.