The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
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*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…