The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
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[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I’m not sorry.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Sell your car
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.