The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
respect
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
It’s an epidemic…
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.