The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
no
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Me, in DM rooms…
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”