The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
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You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.