The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
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Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
The future is now.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom