Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

When I laugh on my period

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again