Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Glasses

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.